For mom (RIP)
6 months ago, I came closer to death
I came closer to those worlds of the invisible
It has been a fantastic ride of turbulence and disaster
A ride of grief and distress
But also, of learning and insight
Of discovery and openness to the unknown
To a new chapter, new ways and second chances
It has been a big opening to new forms of life
To different schemes and structures
To connecting the dots before the dots were words
It has been like escaping from patterns and beliefs
From my own prison, my prison of ideas
The ride, I don’t recommend it to anyone
The pain, the loss, the silence, the loneliness, I don’t recommend it to anyone
It has been like walking in Mordor looking for a lost ring of power
The emptiness is simply devastating
Suffering makes you stronger, they say
Indeed it does, it makes structurally stronger, wiser
But I still don’t recommend the ride to anyone
The discovery, however, is absolutely celestial
Imagine cutting your chest open, silencing your mind, and just hearing the beats of your heart
It is overwhelming, it has been overwhelming
At times I wanted to close my eyes and disconnect
Go back to my prison, go back to the past, the never-ending story of the past
But there is no turning back
6 months already, what an eternity
What is done is lost and we will always miss you
At least I know you are here, I see you and feel you looking after me
